Down the dark decades of your pain, this will seem like a memory of Heaven.- Pinhead/Lead Cenobite/Xipe Totec/Prickles*
WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE FIRST THREE HELLRAISER FILMS!
Author's note: I've decided to split this review into three parts. One for each of the first three Hellraiser movies. This is because many of the failings of Hell on Earth stem directly from it's failure to follow the rules of the first two films. Just bear with me, I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing.
Anyway, part I: Hellraiser
Oooh, boy. This is gonna be one longass review. First of all, lets take a look back for the uninitiated. Hellraiser was a 1987 horror film directed by the great Clive Barker, who was also the author of the novella that Hellraiser was based on, "The Hellbound Heart". The story centers around the Cotton family: Kirsty, our main protagonist; Larry, Kirsty's father; Julia, Larry's second wife and stepmother to Kirsty; and Frank, brother to Larry, lover to Julia and professional jackass to everyone else.
Our story begins in... india? Where we see Frank buy a brass puzzle box (about the size of a rubiks cube) from a creepy guy who happily sells it to him while assuring him that it was always his. We then cut to Frank sitting on the floor of a dark room, trying feverishly to solve the box. When he finally does, he's immediately attacked and torn apart by some rather unclean looking chains with hooks attached. Probably should've gone with a book of Sudoku, eh, Frank?
Anyway, we then see Larry and Julia Cotton arrive at their new house. We also learn that Frank has been there recently, leaving all his stuff in the attic, including his collection of homemade pornography. Intrigued Julia is Intrigued. Kirsty calls, revealing to Larry that she has rented a room of her own and therefore won't be staying at his distressingly creepy new house. Sad Larry is Sad.
While Julia is in the attic, Larry cuts his hand on a stray nail and runs to her. As Julia attempts to convince him that he is "not going to faint" (yeah, at this point we learn that Larry ain't exactly Awesome McManlyman) some of Larry's blood drips onto the floor and seeps into the floorboards. Through the complex logic of 1980s horror films, this blood managed to bring Frank back to life. Sorta.
Sad Frank is Sad. :(
Julia finds Skinless!Frank in the attic and he makes her promise to help him. In order for him to regain his skin he has to have more blood, and he has to have it before "the cenobites" come looking for him. So Julia starts using her womanly wiles to convince incredibly desperate British men to come with her to the house, where she uses an ever useful diplomatic tool to help her convince them to cooperate.
Hammer Time!
A few corpses later, Frank is looking back to his old self again. Except for the skin thing. Then Kirsty arrives, and through a series of wacky events, throws the puzzle box out of a window to distract Frank. She gets the puzzle back after running out of the house, and then spends the next few hours wandering aimlessly through the streets before she passes out.
Yo.
These are the cenobites. Angels to some, demons to others and the wielders of the best damn dialogue in every movie in which they appear (with one exception, which we'll get to later). The Lead Cenobite, the lad who resembles a human pin cushion, tell Kirsty that because she solved the box, she now has to go with them and "taste their pleasures" (Read: torture, and lots of it :)). Kirsty says "NO WAI!" and tries to strike a bargain with them: she'll bring them Frank if they let her go. They agree (sorta), and Kirsty goes off on her merry way to confront her uncle. But alas, once she gets there, Frank has killed her father and his now wearing his skin. As you do. Kirsty, unaware of this turn of events, immediately believes Larry!Frank's story that Larry killed Frank instead of the other way around. Just how Kirsty has such an easy time believing that her beloved daddy did this:
Is a mystery to me. But I'll go with it for the time being. The cenobites arrive again and demand that the person who "did this" be given over to them. Kirsty refuses since she still thinks that Larry!Frank is Larry and runs away. Presumably leaving cenobites wondering "WTF?".
However, Larry!Frank can't keep up the pretence for long (because he's a total pervert with a thing for his niece) and Kirsty soon catches on. She runs back up to the attic and cries over what remains of her father. Larry!Frank follows her (after accidentally stabbing Julia to death) and tells her that everything's alright now that "Uncle Frank" is here. Then the cenobites come back to tear shit up, because apparently they could only take him if he confessed his identity "from his own lips", though I just think that they were totally tricked by Frank's awesome acting skillz.
Well, they tear Frank apart... again, and then decide that they still sorta want Kirsty too. Kirsty runs to Julia's dead body (which is suddenly on a bed, and holding the puzzle box). Kirsty figures out how to send the cenobites back to their own dimension and manages to get rid of three of the four. The last is convieniently put out of action via a part of the ceiling falling on him. The monster on wheels shows up again briefly to play a game of hot potato with Kirsty over the box but is then sent back too. Kirsty and her love interest, who I really should have mentioned earlier, try to burn the box, but a hobo turns into a dragon and flies away with it. So, yeah.
The film ends with the same creepy guy from the start of the movie selling the box to some other geezer.
And that's Hellraiser. Is it a great film, worthy of oscars and incredibly pretentious fans? No. Is it a good horror movie that deserves recgonition for it's unique story and characters? Totally. Unlike many other horror films from the 1980s, the true villains of this movie are NOT the monsters. Throughout the film the cenobites merely come across as an interested third party, rather than malicious monsters. Frank and Julia, two of the human characters are the ones shown to be truly despicable, while the cenobites are shown to be merely doing their jobs.
My score for Hellraiser goes as follows:
Acting: **** out of *****
Music: ***** out of *****
Story: **** out of *****
Originality ***** out of *****
Overall: **** out of five *****
Worst Line: NONE!
Best Line: "No tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering."
Hopefully by next week I'll have written my review for Hellbound: Hellraiser II. Until then, something to keep you going!
* Take your pick, really.Our story begins in... india? Where we see Frank buy a brass puzzle box (about the size of a rubiks cube) from a creepy guy who happily sells it to him while assuring him that it was always his. We then cut to Frank sitting on the floor of a dark room, trying feverishly to solve the box. When he finally does, he's immediately attacked and torn apart by some rather unclean looking chains with hooks attached. Probably should've gone with a book of Sudoku, eh, Frank?
Anyway, we then see Larry and Julia Cotton arrive at their new house. We also learn that Frank has been there recently, leaving all his stuff in the attic, including his collection of homemade pornography. Intrigued Julia is Intrigued. Kirsty calls, revealing to Larry that she has rented a room of her own and therefore won't be staying at his distressingly creepy new house. Sad Larry is Sad.
While Julia is in the attic, Larry cuts his hand on a stray nail and runs to her. As Julia attempts to convince him that he is "not going to faint" (yeah, at this point we learn that Larry ain't exactly Awesome McManlyman) some of Larry's blood drips onto the floor and seeps into the floorboards. Through the complex logic of 1980s horror films, this blood managed to bring Frank back to life. Sorta.
Sad Frank is Sad. :(
Julia finds Skinless!Frank in the attic and he makes her promise to help him. In order for him to regain his skin he has to have more blood, and he has to have it before "the cenobites" come looking for him. So Julia starts using her womanly wiles to convince incredibly desperate British men to come with her to the house, where she uses an ever useful diplomatic tool to help her convince them to cooperate.
Hammer Time! A few corpses later, Frank is looking back to his old self again. Except for the skin thing. Then Kirsty arrives, and through a series of wacky events, throws the puzzle box out of a window to distract Frank. She gets the puzzle back after running out of the house, and then spends the next few hours wandering aimlessly through the streets before she passes out.
She wakes up in hospital and immediately decides to fiddle about with the puzzle box. She opens it, the box plays a little tune, the wall opens, Kirsty is chased by wallcrawling monster on very visible wheels and the audience wonder just what the hell is going on. And then the four most awesome characters in the movie arrive.
Yo.These are the cenobites. Angels to some, demons to others and the wielders of the best damn dialogue in every movie in which they appear (with one exception, which we'll get to later). The Lead Cenobite, the lad who resembles a human pin cushion, tell Kirsty that because she solved the box, she now has to go with them and "taste their pleasures" (Read: torture, and lots of it :)). Kirsty says "NO WAI!" and tries to strike a bargain with them: she'll bring them Frank if they let her go. They agree (sorta), and Kirsty goes off on her merry way to confront her uncle. But alas, once she gets there, Frank has killed her father and his now wearing his skin. As you do. Kirsty, unaware of this turn of events, immediately believes Larry!Frank's story that Larry killed Frank instead of the other way around. Just how Kirsty has such an easy time believing that her beloved daddy did this:
Is a mystery to me. But I'll go with it for the time being. The cenobites arrive again and demand that the person who "did this" be given over to them. Kirsty refuses since she still thinks that Larry!Frank is Larry and runs away. Presumably leaving cenobites wondering "WTF?".
However, Larry!Frank can't keep up the pretence for long (because he's a total pervert with a thing for his niece) and Kirsty soon catches on. She runs back up to the attic and cries over what remains of her father. Larry!Frank follows her (after accidentally stabbing Julia to death) and tells her that everything's alright now that "Uncle Frank" is here. Then the cenobites come back to tear shit up, because apparently they could only take him if he confessed his identity "from his own lips", though I just think that they were totally tricked by Frank's awesome acting skillz.
Well, they tear Frank apart... again, and then decide that they still sorta want Kirsty too. Kirsty runs to Julia's dead body (which is suddenly on a bed, and holding the puzzle box). Kirsty figures out how to send the cenobites back to their own dimension and manages to get rid of three of the four. The last is convieniently put out of action via a part of the ceiling falling on him. The monster on wheels shows up again briefly to play a game of hot potato with Kirsty over the box but is then sent back too. Kirsty and her love interest, who I really should have mentioned earlier, try to burn the box, but a hobo turns into a dragon and flies away with it. So, yeah.
The film ends with the same creepy guy from the start of the movie selling the box to some other geezer.
And that's Hellraiser. Is it a great film, worthy of oscars and incredibly pretentious fans? No. Is it a good horror movie that deserves recgonition for it's unique story and characters? Totally. Unlike many other horror films from the 1980s, the true villains of this movie are NOT the monsters. Throughout the film the cenobites merely come across as an interested third party, rather than malicious monsters. Frank and Julia, two of the human characters are the ones shown to be truly despicable, while the cenobites are shown to be merely doing their jobs.
My score for Hellraiser goes as follows:
Acting: **** out of *****
Music: ***** out of *****
Story: **** out of *****
Originality ***** out of *****
Overall: **** out of five *****
Worst Line: NONE!
Best Line: "No tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering."
Hopefully by next week I'll have written my review for Hellbound: Hellraiser II. Until then, something to keep you going!
