Wallbanger #2: Orphan

Alright, I know I'm horribly late with this blog, and I know that I'm supposed to be getting on with Hellbound: Hellraiser II and I know that I'm acting like people are actually reading this bilge, but this film just can't wait! This is just... my God, it's bad! Anyway, let's get started! Here's: Orphan!


The films starts out decently enough; we meet our main character, Kate; her husband, John and their two children, Daniel and Max. We learn that the family has been under a lot of strain recently, because Kate's third child was stillborn, driving Kate to become an alcoholic. We're also shown that Kate has been sober for nearly a year now and, despite her traumatic experience, is ready to adopt another child.

Unfortunately, the little demon spawn that they pick from the orphanage is Esther; a bright and rather eccentric young girl who is originally from Russia, but has remarkably good english. She's courteous, well-spoken and mature for her age, which everyone who has ever seen an American horror movie should know means that there is something horribly wrong with her. While at first, everything seems to be going great, Esther's EVIL nature inevitably begins to show as her ridiculously over-complicated Bond-villainesque plan starts to crumble. And my God in heaven, the twist ending.

For starters, with the possible exceptions of Kate and Max, everyone in this film is either an idiot, a prick or, in some cases, both (*cough* Daniel *cough*). Everyone seems to be totally oblivious to Esther's blindingly obvious sociopath tendencies, until they're shoved into their faces (usually with a knife). John doesn't even remotely suspect Esther until she's stuck a knife in his gut.* Daniel acts like a total socially-retarded git to Esther, long before anything starts to go wrong, and his parents pretty much let him get away with it! I mean, yeah, they yell at him a bit and lock his stupid tree house up, but as far as they know, he just made insulting and border-line racist comments to a young girl whose FAMILY ALL DIED IN FREAKING FIRE! Does that not even warrant a flipping time-out?

The direction was just stupid at times. There are so many fake-outs in this movie that I honestly think that the director must have been high on caffeine when he shot it. A word of advice: thousands of fake outs in every "suspenseful" sequence does not tension make! I don't think there are even any real jump-scares in this movie! Just loads of pointless fake-outs. But I have to admit, other than that, the direction was fairly decent if a little odd at times.

The soundtrack was a little bland and unremarkable (and presumably riddled with scare-chords to keep up with the ridiculous number of fake-outs in the film), but it did it's job and blended well with the visuals.

Really, what I think let this movie down was the plot. While it starts out pretty good, the quality quickly takes a downturn as soon as Esther moves into the house. She's just stupidly evil from the beginning, and it's so obvious that you have to wonder what sort of crack the other characters were smoking not to notice it. And the big twist at the end is just... crap. Not only is it totally nonsensical and improbable, but it makes no logical sense! The twist is....


....


....


.... seriously, if you don't want this spoiled then stop right here.


....



...



Esther isn't really a little girl... she's really a 33 year old escaped mental patient who has a rare genetic disease that makes her look like a little girl, and she's been tricking everyone by wearing make up and putting ribbons over some scars that were left by a straitjacket!

I shit you not, that is actually the twist. We're supposed to believe that this girl/woman/thing who's been passed from orphanage to orphanage and by all accounts, seems to have been well looked after, has never been examined by a doctor? Or has never had a blood test? Or has ever has someone look at her fucking wrists or neck??? Or has never been seen without make-up? Though to be honest, I doubt that Esther has ever been sick, because the ending of this movie shows her as being more resilient than herpes. She's like the Michael Myers of evil children movies.

This movie is just so totally removed from from reality that it's impossible to take it seriously. All I can say is: give this one a miss, it's rubbish.

My rating: *1/2 out of *****

Wallbanger #1: Hellraiser: Hell On Earth Part 1

Down the dark decades of your pain, this will seem like a memory of Heaven.

- Pinhead/Lead Cenobite/Xipe Totec/Prickles*

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE FIRST THREE HELLRAISER FILMS!

Author's note: I've decided to split this review into three parts. One for each of the first three Hellraiser movies. This is because many of the failings of Hell on Earth stem directly from it's failure to follow the rules of the first two films. Just bear with me, I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing.

Anyway, part I: Hellraiser

Oooh, boy. This is gonna be one longass review. First of all, lets take a look back for the uninitiated. Hellraiser was a 1987 horror film directed by the great Clive Barker, who was also the author of the novella that Hellraiser was based on, "The Hellbound Heart". The story centers around the Cotton family: Kirsty, our main protagonist; Larry, Kirsty's father; Julia, Larry's second wife and stepmother to Kirsty; and Frank, brother to Larry, lover to Julia and professional jackass to everyone else.

Our story begins in... india? Where we see Frank buy a brass puzzle box (about the size of a rubiks cube) from a creepy guy who happily sells it to him while assuring him that it was always his. We then cut to Frank sitting on the floor of a dark room, trying feverishly to solve the box. When he finally does, he's immediately attacked and torn apart by some rather unclean looking chains with hooks attached. Probably should've gone with a book of Sudoku, eh, Frank?

Anyway, we then see Larry and Julia Cotton arrive at their new house. We also learn that Frank has been there recently, leaving all his stuff in the attic, including his collection of homemade pornography. Intrigued Julia is Intrigued. Kirsty calls, revealing to Larry that she has rented a room of her own and therefore won't be staying at his distressingly creepy new house. Sad Larry is Sad.

While Julia is in the attic, Larry cuts his hand on a stray nail and runs to her. As Julia attempts to convince him that he is "not going to faint" (yeah, at this point we learn that Larry ain't exactly Awesome McManlyman) some of Larry's blood drips onto the floor and seeps into the floorboards. Through the complex logic of 1980s horror films, this blood managed to bring Frank back to life. Sorta.

Sad Frank is Sad. :(

Julia finds Skinless!Frank in the attic and he makes her promise to help him. In order for him to regain his skin he has to have more blood, and he has to have it before "the cenobites" come looking for him. So Julia starts using her womanly wiles to convince incredibly desperate British men to come with her to the house, where she uses an ever useful diplomatic tool to help her convince them to cooperate.

Hammer Time!

A few corpses later, Frank is looking back to his old self again. Except for the skin thing. Then Kirsty arrives, and through a series of wacky events, throws the puzzle box out of a window to distract Frank. She gets the puzzle back after running out of the house, and then spends the next few hours wandering aimlessly through the streets before she passes out.

She wakes up in hospital and immediately decides to fiddle about with the puzzle box. She opens it, the box plays a little tune, the wall opens, Kirsty is chased by wallcrawling monster on very visible wheels and the audience wonder just what the hell is going on. And then the four most awesome characters in the movie arrive.

Yo.

These are the cenobites. Angels to some, demons to others and the wielders of the best damn dialogue in every movie in which they appear (with one exception, which we'll get to later). The Lead Cenobite, the lad who resembles a human pin cushion, tell Kirsty that because she solved the box, she now has to go with them and "taste their pleasures" (Read: torture, and lots of it :)). Kirsty says "NO WAI!" and tries to strike a bargain with them: she'll bring them Frank if they let her go. They agree (sorta), and Kirsty goes off on her merry way to confront her uncle. But alas, once she gets there, Frank has killed her father and his now wearing his skin. As you do. Kirsty, unaware of this turn of events, immediately believes Larry!Frank's story that Larry killed Frank instead of the other way around. Just how Kirsty has such an easy time believing that her beloved daddy did this:



Is a mystery to me. But I'll go with it for the time being. The cenobites arrive again and demand that the person who "did this" be given over to them. Kirsty refuses since she still thinks that Larry!Frank is Larry and runs away. Presumably leaving cenobites wondering "WTF?".

However, Larry!Frank can't keep up the pretence for long (because he's a total pervert with a thing for his niece) and Kirsty soon catches on. She runs back up to the attic and cries over what remains of her father. Larry!Frank follows her (after accidentally stabbing Julia to death) and tells her that everything's alright now that "Uncle Frank" is here. Then the cenobites come back to tear shit up, because apparently they could only take him if he confessed his identity "from his own lips", though I just think that they were totally tricked by Frank's awesome acting skillz.

Well, they tear Frank apart... again, and then decide that they still sorta want Kirsty too. Kirsty runs to Julia's dead body (which is suddenly on a bed, and holding the puzzle box). Kirsty figures out how to send the cenobites back to their own dimension and manages to get rid of three of the four. The last is convieniently put out of action via a part of the ceiling falling on him. The monster on wheels shows up again briefly to play a game of hot potato with Kirsty over the box but is then sent back too. Kirsty and her love interest, who I really should have mentioned earlier, try to burn the box, but a hobo turns into a dragon and flies away with it. So, yeah.

The film ends with the same creepy guy from the start of the movie selling the box to some other geezer.

And that's Hellraiser. Is it a great film, worthy of oscars and incredibly pretentious fans? No. Is it a good horror movie that deserves recgonition for it's unique story and characters? Totally. Unlike many other horror films from the 1980s, the true villains of this movie are NOT the monsters. Throughout the film the cenobites merely come across as an interested third party, rather than malicious monsters. Frank and Julia, two of the human characters are the ones shown to be truly despicable, while the cenobites are shown to be merely doing their jobs.

My score for Hellraiser goes as follows:

Acting: **** out of *****
Music: ***** out of *****
Story: **** out of *****
Originality ***** out of *****
Overall: **** out of five *****

Worst Line: NONE!
Best Line: "No tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering."

Hopefully by next week I'll have written my review for Hellbound: Hellraiser II. Until then, something to keep you going!

* Take your pick, really.

Wallbanger #0: An Introduction

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.

It should be thrown with great force.

—Dorothy Parker

Hello and welcome to a my first attempt at a blog! I don't expect many people to read it, I don't expect many people to like it, but today I thought "Why not?" and decided to give it a go. So, you're probably wondering just what the hell the point of this is. Well, at the moment I expect it to be a rather cynical look at some of planet earth's worst examples of media. This can be movies, TV shows, comics but it will probably be mainly centered around books. And yes, I am aware that there are quite a few great cynical reviewers out there in that great cesspool we call the internet, but I don't think many really give literature it proper due. All I'm saying is: books can be really crappy too!

Why the title? Well, TV Tropes describes a Wallbanger as:

The writer asked for too much Willing Suspension Of Disbelief. A character is carrying an Idiot Ball, or has suddenly become Too Dumb To Live. The series pulled out Green Rocks or Voodoo Sharks once too often, used a little too much Scotch Tape, blatantly Did Not Do The Research, or unleashed a Ret Con that made everyone's eyes roll out of their head. Sometimes it is a force too powerful to be contained, even by willing suspension of disbelief or the Mantra. However it happened, the audience has been dealt a Wall Banger.

So essentially a wallbanger is a book, movie or TV show that annoys you to the point where you just have to make a very fashionable dent in your wall with it. Believe me, they're more common than you think. And I'm here to bring them to your attention.

So, after giving the subject for my first review quite a bit of thought and since I'm feeling in a rather masochistic mood today, I've decided to start things off with a movie... a horror movie to be precise, and not only that, it's one of the sequels to two of my favourite horror films of all time. So grab your demon summoning music boxes and bloodstained chains as we tackle Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth.