Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Wallbanger #2: Orphan

Alright, I know I'm horribly late with this blog, and I know that I'm supposed to be getting on with Hellbound: Hellraiser II and I know that I'm acting like people are actually reading this bilge, but this film just can't wait! This is just... my God, it's bad! Anyway, let's get started! Here's: Orphan!


The films starts out decently enough; we meet our main character, Kate; her husband, John and their two children, Daniel and Max. We learn that the family has been under a lot of strain recently, because Kate's third child was stillborn, driving Kate to become an alcoholic. We're also shown that Kate has been sober for nearly a year now and, despite her traumatic experience, is ready to adopt another child.

Unfortunately, the little demon spawn that they pick from the orphanage is Esther; a bright and rather eccentric young girl who is originally from Russia, but has remarkably good english. She's courteous, well-spoken and mature for her age, which everyone who has ever seen an American horror movie should know means that there is something horribly wrong with her. While at first, everything seems to be going great, Esther's EVIL nature inevitably begins to show as her ridiculously over-complicated Bond-villainesque plan starts to crumble. And my God in heaven, the twist ending.

For starters, with the possible exceptions of Kate and Max, everyone in this film is either an idiot, a prick or, in some cases, both (*cough* Daniel *cough*). Everyone seems to be totally oblivious to Esther's blindingly obvious sociopath tendencies, until they're shoved into their faces (usually with a knife). John doesn't even remotely suspect Esther until she's stuck a knife in his gut.* Daniel acts like a total socially-retarded git to Esther, long before anything starts to go wrong, and his parents pretty much let him get away with it! I mean, yeah, they yell at him a bit and lock his stupid tree house up, but as far as they know, he just made insulting and border-line racist comments to a young girl whose FAMILY ALL DIED IN FREAKING FIRE! Does that not even warrant a flipping time-out?

The direction was just stupid at times. There are so many fake-outs in this movie that I honestly think that the director must have been high on caffeine when he shot it. A word of advice: thousands of fake outs in every "suspenseful" sequence does not tension make! I don't think there are even any real jump-scares in this movie! Just loads of pointless fake-outs. But I have to admit, other than that, the direction was fairly decent if a little odd at times.

The soundtrack was a little bland and unremarkable (and presumably riddled with scare-chords to keep up with the ridiculous number of fake-outs in the film), but it did it's job and blended well with the visuals.

Really, what I think let this movie down was the plot. While it starts out pretty good, the quality quickly takes a downturn as soon as Esther moves into the house. She's just stupidly evil from the beginning, and it's so obvious that you have to wonder what sort of crack the other characters were smoking not to notice it. And the big twist at the end is just... crap. Not only is it totally nonsensical and improbable, but it makes no logical sense! The twist is....


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.... seriously, if you don't want this spoiled then stop right here.


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Esther isn't really a little girl... she's really a 33 year old escaped mental patient who has a rare genetic disease that makes her look like a little girl, and she's been tricking everyone by wearing make up and putting ribbons over some scars that were left by a straitjacket!

I shit you not, that is actually the twist. We're supposed to believe that this girl/woman/thing who's been passed from orphanage to orphanage and by all accounts, seems to have been well looked after, has never been examined by a doctor? Or has never had a blood test? Or has ever has someone look at her fucking wrists or neck??? Or has never been seen without make-up? Though to be honest, I doubt that Esther has ever been sick, because the ending of this movie shows her as being more resilient than herpes. She's like the Michael Myers of evil children movies.

This movie is just so totally removed from from reality that it's impossible to take it seriously. All I can say is: give this one a miss, it's rubbish.

My rating: *1/2 out of *****

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